I'm Gonna be a Blue Collar Man OR Liam McKenna: Corporate Whore

Give me a job
Give me Security
Give me a chance
To survive
I'm just a poor soul
In the unemployment line
My god I'm
Hardly alive
My mother and father
My wife and my friends
I see them laugh
In my face
But I've got the power
And I've got the will
I'm not a
Charity Case

So, I've done something amazing. Right now only Blake, Caleb, and Nick know about it. And while that constitutes quite a serious share of my readership, it's still worth telling the rest of you proles: I have applied for a real job. Yes, I know this is a shock, but don't worry. It's only one. And if I don't get in I can look forward to a life of poverty at the YMCA this summer.

Oh, the job, you say? Well, I have decided to follow in the footsteps of my man Caleb and move to London in order to pursue a job at [Company Name](Link removed. Clearly). Don't they look happy? I think I'm gonna be the guy on the left. But, yes, when you look into their eyes, you can see that all their left-wing dreams of making a living by teaching underprivileged children how to swim were foolish and for naught. They are corporate whores. They work hard, as I will work hard. They dress nicely, as I will dress nicely. They rot on the inside, as I may rot on the inside. How will I sleep at night? Well, first, as I've applied for an entry-level monolingual position, there's every chance I'll be sleeping at day and working at night. But mainly I'll be doing it, to quote PA, on a big pile of money.

Now, before I go any further, I'm going to have to stop and backtrack a little. I've probably offended, at least partially, a number of my readers. Not least among them Caleb himself, who's been working there for a while. Don't take it personally. Also, anyone from [Company Name] who's reading this while considering my application: your site stresses a "healthy work/life balance", and that's exactly what this blog provides for me. I communicate with my friends this way. So, don't you guys take it personally either. I don't work for you yet, but if I do, I'll never mention your name in this again if you don't want me to. Also, you don't know me: when I say this is a jumping off point for me into the world of "corporate whoredom", I mean it. It might be small potatoes to others, but for me, this is a big deal.

So, anyway, that being said, I am very excited to be doing this. For one thing, it's going to give me experience in actually living on my own this summer, as opposed to the fall when I move in with 5 other guys. I'm going to be making actual money for the first time instead of working for a charity that can't afford to pay me comeptitively or give me full time hours. This is the first time I'm going to have a real job. It's most exciting. Of course, most (all) of the money I make is going to be either owed to the Uni, spent on rent and food while going to Uni, or paid back to the folks who I might need to float me some more casholla to get the pump primed, as it were, in London. As I didn't really detail before, I had to borrow $500 already from the folks in order to give first, last, and utilities for last to my land-lady-to-be. The total was $830. Now, I had an apointment to see her booked last week, but when I realized that I didn't have enough money I had to call her back and reschedule. During that phonecall she told me it would be OK if I gave her first and the utilities and then gave her last in September, but, being rich only in my pride, I told her it would be fine if she gave me a week. Of course, when I told my father this he got mad at me. But now, now, now, that this has come into my life, we see how clever I really am. Having looked at the prices of summer sublets in London, a general price is $350/month for living a block away from Fanshawe ([Company Name] is practically across the street from Fanshawe). Now that I have the full $500 from my folks, I can give that to my land-lady and then use the money I have to get myself started in London. If I'd been a pussy and given in to her or my father I'd be asking my parents for more money now. How great I art.

So, the next thing everyone is asking: Why London? Well, it's [Company Name]’s only base of operations in Ontario for one thing (aside from Belleville. pfft). If I stay in Stratford, my career options include: kitchen and factory. Let's disect those options a little further.
Kitchen: Well, a full-time cocaine addiction will probably eat significantly into any savings I'd reap from living at home. Also, a survey of women who aren't servers says that grease burns aren't sexy. Also, cooks just spend all day yelling at each other and making each other look at their dongs. Seriously.
Factory: Much better paying than kitchen work and full-time is pretty much the only option. Problems: Cut-throat competition for spots among every other person my age, inlcuding the farm boys who can actually cut 40hrs/week of back-breaking manual labour plus overtime. I can't think of any of my friends who work or have worked at a factory without a family connection. It's funny, my house-mom was telling me the other day "When I was a kid, if I didn't like my job I went down the street and got another". Fuck.Ing.Je.Sus. Maybe we do need another global war.

So that's why London. It's the only job I've found that I think I can do well and get paid well for. Up until now those two things have never coexisted in the same sentence for me. Seriously, what else can I do well? Act? Drum? Play video games? Who is going to pay me to do those things in Stratford? I can't even play video games that well.

So yeah, next big question: Liam, I've tried (passively) to figure out what you do from reading [Company Name]'s website. But I can't figure it out. What the heck are you gonna be working at doing this summer? Well, I'm going to be some sort of telemarketer. Or something. The application (which I've purposely avoided discussing in detail... or at all) was very broad. Caleb does tech-support for HP. I'm hoping I can get a job on that side of the feild, rather than the "Hello, can I have all your money?" side. I a) don't think I'd be too good at that and b) probably wouldn't enjoy it anyway. So, yeah, [Company Name] is a professional outsourcing company. I kinda think that that's cool simply for the fact that I would have expected them to pack up and operate out of India, like all the cool telemarket / tech suport companies. But they haven't. Which is cool. Anyway, Blake also tells me that they're going to train me if I get a job, so the fact that I right now know very little about troubleshooting programs is apparently not important. This is an awsome job. I encourage all of you to think about moving to London and getting a big place with me. We'll be a little squad all to ourselves. Specifically, I'm gonna hit up Ellen: Come on. Are you really going to tell me that after a year in the "Big City" you're just gonna head back to Stratford and hang out with Steven? Not a chance. Come with me into the great unknown of corporate Canadia. London is better than Stratford.

So, in other news, what have I been doing with myself? Well, not a whole lot of anything. I plan on getting down into the grind on Monday, and not pulling out of it until the 21st. It's gonna be awsome. Don't expect a lot of posts. I'm not even gonna lie, I don't even remember this week. I'm going to go with the 3 most important things that have happened to me since I last posted.

1) Full Metal Panic. Yes, I finally managed to find someone I could DL it quickly from. I digested all 24 episodes in 2 days. My views on FMP are mixed. AS combat: very cool. Souske kicking ass at school: also high on the awsome scale. General humour throughout the show: very awsome. Really, while watching the show I had no complaints. It was only after I was done that they started surfacing. The plot is basically non-existant. There is a story, and that story has an arc. Kind of. But there are holes in the plot large enough to pilot the de Danann through.

2) I played PvP Age of Empires with the basement boys last night for the first time. It was 3 on 2 in my favour. And my team got our asses handed to us. It was sick. Against AI I am a terror. But fighting against people is hard. I've never seen people rip through the ages that fast. But here's a fun fact: I spawned in between my other two teammates. They both fought hard to keep their kingdoms, and I sent troops to support them. They were both overrun, but were able to set up other bases elsewhere. In the end both enemies crashed into my base simultaneously and I was rubbed out fast. I didn't have a chance to found a new base. One of my teammates' score outstripped mine at the end of the game by like 50%. But.... : I got the MVP medal for my team. I was happily surprised.

3) I was supposed to have the meeting with my landlady today (while writing the above paragraph I got a phonecall saying that she'd told one of the guys I'm renting with that she can't make it). So I decided it would be good to shower and launder. I decide to perform the latter first, but I only have the dough for one load. I pick two outfits (2 pants, 4 shirt, 4 boxers, 4 pair socks, 1 sweater) and head down to the basement, where the machines are. I set up the washer and go for lunch with the basement boys. I get back and put my shiat in the dryer. Then I go to the bank to withdraw all my cash (I figure I need to be prepared in case she asks for all my money instead of letting me get back into the deal I refused), and walk back home. That takes about 45 minutes. When I get back to the laundry room, I notice that someone else has started a load of washing. Whatever, not important. But I figure that my drying is almost finished so I loiter in the basement. No one wants to do anything, so I spend my time walking around the halls whistling "Barrett's Privateers". I also take a piss. I go back to the laundry room and continue sporadic whistling. A short while later the house-mom shows up. Now this isn't my house-mom. Due to budget cuts, staff shortages, etc, every house mom does 1 and 1/3 houses or something. So our house has my house-mom on floors 1, 2, and 3, while the basement gets another one. So, she walks in and says, "Oh, it was you!"
I find this initial remark surprising. However, she follows it up by whistling a small tune at me. Ah, understanding reddens my cheek. My whistling has not been to madame's taste? I'm rather confused that she would track me down to tell me this. I open my mouth to say as much but then she says, "Don't you know the machines aren't supposed to be used on Friday mornings? I need to wash my rags. Why don't you move them along when you're done with the machine?"
I barely nod assent when she drops two quarters on the machine and is gone. Weirdest thing to happen all week. The whole experience could not have taken more than 15 seconds.

So, that's all for today. I'm now going to spend the rest of my time looking for apartments in London. I've already tried 2, but the bastards haven't emailed me back one way or the other yet, so it's time to keep looking. And by "keep looking" I mean "watch and episode of Bullshit and then play Star Wars Battlefront". And then go out for dinner with the basement guys and convinvce them that RTS is the thing to do on a Friday night.

Make me an offer
That I can't refuse
Make me respectable,
Man
This is my last time
In the unemployment line
So like it or not,
I'll take those
Long night
Impossible odds
Keeping my back
To the wall
If it takes all that
To be just what I am
I'm gonna be a
Blue collar man

PS: I've wanted to be in a band that covers this song since the first time I heard it.